ATTEMPTED HUMOR

    I thought it was time for a post containing only "attempted humor".  Here are some clever church signs.

  
    Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
    Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins 
    Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!  
     
      
     
      
      Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! 
      Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. 
      Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world. 
      
       Under same management for over 2000 years 
       
      
       
       Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are 
       Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case! 
      Come early for a good Back seat 
      Seven days without prayer makes one weak 
      No Jesus - no peace, Know Jesus - know peace! 
      Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

Here are some church bulletin bloopers

      1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
      2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 
      4) Evening massage - 6 p.m. 
      5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 
      6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 
      7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. 
      8) Ushers will eat latecomers. 
      9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. 
      10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
      11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 
      12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 
      13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 
      14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 
      15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Here are some clever church signs and newspaper listings

     To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday": 
       
      Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." 
       
      There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. 
       
      Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. 
       
      We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." 
       
      Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. 
       
      Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. 
       
      
       
      We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money. 
       
      One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. 
       
      Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. 

       
      The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. 
       
      We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud

Much love, Dennis