ATTEMPTED HUMOR

    I thought it was time for a post containing only "attempted humor".  Here are some clever church signs.

  
    Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
    Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins 
    Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!  
     
      
     
      
      Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! 
      Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. 
      Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world. 
      
       Under same management for over 2000 years 
       
      
       
       Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are 
       Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case! 
      Come early for a good Back seat 
      Seven days without prayer makes one weak 
      No Jesus - no peace, Know Jesus - know peace! 
      Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

Here are some church bulletin bloopers

      1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
      2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 
      4) Evening massage - 6 p.m. 
      5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 
      6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 
      7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. 
      8) Ushers will eat latecomers. 
      9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. 
      10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
      11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 
      12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 
      13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 
      14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 
      15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Here are some clever church signs and newspaper listings

     To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday": 
       
      Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." 
       
      There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. 
       
      Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. 
       
      We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." 
       
      Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. 
       
      Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. 
       
      
       
      We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money. 
       
      One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. 
       
      Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. 

       
      The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. 
       
      We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud

Much love, Dennis

The Tragedy of 9/11

I'm sure everyone knows that today is the anniversary of the attack by terrorists on US soil. Those old enough to remember probably can tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing when they 1st heard about this tragic event. When I heard the 1st tower had been struck by a passenger plane I was alarmed because of the tragedy that I presumed was unplanned and just a bad situation. A few minutes later when it was announced that the 2nd tower had been hit by another plane, my heart sank. Just like most people, I understood that this was an attack against Americans on American soil.

Today was our FCA meeting. All of the students knew about the tragedy at the twin towers but none of them were old enough to understand the implications of the event. I think that the oldest one of our group was 6 at that time.
I personally felt vulnerable and insecure after finding out that there were also 2 other planned attacks. A third plane, American Airlines Flight 77, crashed into the Pentagon. 

 The fourth plane, United Airlines Flight 93, targeted Washington, D.C. but crashed into a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania, after its passengers tried to overcome the hijackers.

 The images and video that consumed television brought about a sense of insecurity to most Americans. Churches all over the nation suddenly were receiving people who had never or rarely been attending. It is sad that some people ignore the value of a relationship with Jesus until they are in the middle of a tumultuous situation. The phrase "There are no atheists in foxholes" seems to be appropriate here. There are some people who believe that they will live their lives however they desire until they are in a situation that they can't handle on their own. They then are ready to seek God.  I suppose that may work out for a few people, but I am not willing to gamble like that with my eternity in the balance.
Much love, Dennis

Fun with numbers

Can you tell the number of the parking spot occupied by the car?

Scroll down for the answer











Have you given up yet?












It's in number 87

Much love, Dennis

Delusions from a Hospital Bed

I am very thankful for the love expressed to my wife, daughter, and family, especially during the 1st 5 months after my accident. This Scripture means a lot to me today.
1 Corinthians 13
13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 In place of a joke, I'm posting some of the wild things that I thought I was experiencing during the 1st 3 months after my accident.


My mother-in-law and I were discussing something and I recalled one of those "nightmares". She suggested that I write some of them down so that others may understand what someone under heavy sedation may be experiencing.

My 1st "memory" post accident was waking up in a room full of hospital beds. I sat up in bed and announced that I was ready for some coffee. A nurse came close to my bed and said; what do you think this is, a restaurant. 

I remember talking to my dad and he was wearing a monocle, yes a monocle. We were underneath a very large billboard along the side of a highway. 
Next we were on a small cruise ship. The vessel was full of people in distress, just like me. Evidently the purpose was to find 2 people who were healthy enough to receive treatment for their injuries. I was one of the 2 that was chosen. They then moved me into a house with 6-8 other critically injured people. We were in bunk beds that were in the corners of a large room. I watched as a doctor began to work on a young lady who was in the bunk above me. After a minute or 2 the doctor left and the young lady's arm fell over the edge of the bed. I knew for certain that he had done something to take her life. I spoke to Cheri and told her the doctor was a very bad man. I think that I may have caused that man to be transferred to a different patient.

I smelled a very strong odor of new fiberglass and resin. On the wall hanging like a picture was a very large Scarab cigarette boat that was cut in half lengthways.
I have many more memories that occurred in the 1st 3 months of my 5 month stay. I may post a few more at some other time.

Much love, Dennis

terrorist

                            The Woman of His Dreams         

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

      

      His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

      

      He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

      

      "The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

      

      "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

      

      "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."

 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jokes are good way to relieve stress. There are many passages in the Bible concerning anguish, stress, anxiety and many other types of worrying.

Philippians 4:4-7
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Anyone with a TV or computer can see what is happening around the world as well as here in the United States. It seems that chaos is the rule of the day. There are people being imprisoned, tortured and murdered because of their Christian beliefs.  I know that we are told to expect this, but it is still very disheartening to hear about it. I used to feel like I was insulated from evil people who would take my life just because of my Christian faith. Today everyone is vulnerable to the terrorist who think that they are doing good by cleansing the world of those who doesn’t believe exactly as they do.

I'm anxiously awaiting the day when there will be Heaven on earth.

Much love, Dennis

The Three Amigos

This weekend was definitely entertaining. We had two of Cheri's aunts stay with us from Friday until Sunday morning. They were there to visit with my mother-in-law, Darla who lives with us. The sunroom, where my computer is set up, was my hideaway. Having 3 women who grew up together and sitting together in our kitchen was a lot like this.

Saturday afternoon Cheri and I went for a drive down to Canton Lake. We had the 3 amigos in the back seat. I don't think that I said more than 2 or 3 words the whole trip. There really was no need or opportunity for me to speak :-)  Many times Cheri and I would just look at each other and smile. I just don't understand how 3 women could carry on 3 different conversations simultaneously, maybe it's just the difference between men and women.

 I'm pretty sure that I heard some stories more than once. For many years Cheri's side of the family camped here 2 or 3 times a year. I heard tales from back in the day that probably were edited somewhat because Cheri and I didn't need to hear the details. Evidently these 3 women (all in their 70s) were not Nuns earlier in their life. LOL 
Here is a picture from a "watering hole" that they were very familiar with.I'm getting very close to the TMI line.

I think back to this weekend and just smile. Oh what fun these 3 had "Back in the Day".
Much love, Dennis

Ronnie Cue

Ronnie, Max, and I rode dirt bikes together starting around 1981-1982, it's been so long that I can't even be certain of the date.

left to right, Ronnie Cue, Brett Cue, Dennis Boyer, Max Carlisle

This is about my good friend Ronnie Cue. Here is a blog about Ronnie written by his pastor Wade Burleson. Pastor Burlison did a great job letting us know how special it is when you become a Christian.

"I'm Just a Kindergarten Christian Who Doesn't Know Any Better But to Do What God Says"

Last night I experienced a measure of real revival in my life by observing a man who was converted to faith in Jesus Christ at our Paul Young Weekend last April 5-6, 2009. The man's name is Ronnie Cue. He followed Jesus in believer's baptism on Easter Sunday, April 12, 2009. Ronnie's son, Brett Cue, is a professional motocross racer. Brett, too, along with his mother Jeris, and his two sisters have also recently come to faith in Christ. Just like dad Ronnie, all the Cue family have recently professed their faith in Christ through believer's baptism. None of the Cue family, especially Ronnie, have had any religious or church experiences throughout their lives. Emmanuel is the first church they have ever attended.

Two years ago Ronnie was sued by his neighbor. Ronnie lives north of town, out in the country, and he had built a race track for his son Brett and Brett's friends to race their motorcycles in training for professional motorcycle races. Ronnie's neighbor, the one that sued him, is a world renowned sculptor and artist. According to the sculptor and his wife, the poweful motorcycles interrupted the artist's ability to concentrate during his work. Ironically, I had led the sculptor to faith in Christ in his studio just a little over a year ago, and at the time, though I did not know Ronnie Cue, the sculptor and his wife told me of the lawsuit over the racetrack. I could tell the issue was a very traumatic one for the artist and his wife - who themselves had just begun attending Emmanuel. The little country community in which both families live is tightknit, and other neighbors were choosing sides. It was just in the last two months both the defendents and the plaintiffs in this lawsuit had become members of our church.

Last Friday the lawsuit was finally heard in court. Contrary to some, I do not believe it is unlawful or unbiblical for judges to determine civil matters among Christians. There are times when judges are absolutely necessary for a variety of reasons. Regardless of whether or not you agree, the fact of the matter is this particular lawsuit had become part of these two families' lives long before any of them came to faith in Christ or involved at Emmanuel.

New Christians and the Word of God

Last Sunday morning we continued our study through I John and we came to I John 4:7-12, probably one of the greatest passages in Scripture on the love of God. The message, entitled "The Practical Implications of 'God Is Love,'" followed the text, with only a few illustrations from me that helped illuminate application that I derived from the text. I sought to show that when we love others we are giving evidence of being born of God. To be "born of God" is what the Apostle John calls ‘the new birth’ or to be ‘born again’ (John 3:3). When we love people, we are demonstrating that we have been born into God's family, that God is our Father. Clearly put, love in our hearts for our fellow man is a little like the “divine gene," for God is love. When He gives birth to His children, He gives His kids the ability to love as He, by His nature, loves us. As Henry Scougal wrote in his classic work The Life of God in the Soul of Man:

“True religion is essentially an inward, free, self-moving principle of divine life.”

This life of God, according to the Apostle John, is manifested in our love for others. Christianity is not mere formalism, nor is it simply mental assent, or even a methodical discipline in areas of morality - the essence of true Christianity is that you and I really care about the people of this world. The Apostle puts it clearly in the text: “Anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love” (I John 4:8).

The model that John gives that illustrates God's kind of love is Jesus Himself. In I John 4:9-10 we read probably the greatest statement regarding the love of God in all of Scripture. The emphasis is on what God did for us. “In this is love” – God showed, God sent, God came, God propitiated. The Greek word hilasmos is translated propitiation. It was used by the pagans to 'appease and render favorable the gods.’ Of course, we cannot propitiate (appease) God - ever. The Creator God cannot be appeased by our gold or silver, or the works and labor of our hands, but the good news is that God loved us and did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He came to live under the righteous law, fulfilling it in every jot and tittle, possessing a perfect righteousness. Jesus Christ died under the law for us a sinnner's death, substituting His life for ours, and in this God the Father is "propitiated." God remained just while justifying the ungodly in the gift of His Son. God gave us this gift. He sent Christ for us, He delivered Christ for us, He provided Christ for us - in this love is demonstrated.

When you and I love others like God loves us, people see God. There is a verse right at the end of I John 4:7-12 that seems out of place at first glance. John says, “No one has ever seen God.” (v.12). Why does John say this? Because John is emphasizing God is invisible, but since the immortal, invisible, infinite transcendent God abides within each of us and we demonstrate God's kind of love to others, people see God in us. There is some very real truth in the song, "You're the only Jesus some will ever see."

That was last Sunday's message. It is my policy to ignore both criticism and praise when it comes to messages I preach. I consider that if I am faithful to the text, then it is not my message, but God's, and some will like it and some will not. But one thing I know is this: God's word is powerful and transforms lives.

Ronnie Cue heard it. Yesterday morning after our Men's Discipleship Ronnie wished to speak to me. He said that he wished to "lay aside the lawsuit." I was puzzled and said, "But Ronnie, you were the one sued." He said he knew that. He had also been told that the judge would most likely rule in his favor in twenty days, since the race track was on his own private property (over a half mile away from his neighbor), and personal property laws are very strong in Oklahoma on behalf of the owner. Yet, Ronnie explained, he wanted to go to his neighbor's studio and express his love for them and tell them that he wanted to do what was best for them, even if that meant removing the racetrack he has spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of man hours building - not to mention thousands of dollars defending himself in a lawsuit.

I asked him why he wished to do this. He simply said that the Word of God had convicted him last Sunday that he should lay aside his rights and do something to display his love for his neighbors, in the same manner Jesus displayed His love for him. He said that his neighbors and their lives were more important than his own, or his son's, comfort and convenience.

The Meeting Tonight

Tonight, I went with Ronnie Cue to visit with his neighbors. He is not a man of many words, but he simply and clearly told his neighbors he loved them and he was sorry his racetrack had caused them so much discomfort and pain. He said that he wanted them to know he would remove the track, look for land to build another one, and wished that they could be friends in spite of all that had occurred.

The plaintiffs in the suit had already told me their attorneys had told them that the judge would rule in Ronnie's favor. Yet here was Ronnie, offering to lay down his rights for their sake. The wife of the artist wept. The artist, a man of few words himself, expressed his gratitude and then we all gathered around for prayer. Upon leaving, among the hugs, plans were being made for the two families to get together. All this after two very difficult, painful and expensive years of a lawsuit that had left tons of hurt feelings on both sides.

My, my, my.

As I was driving Ronnie back to his house I asked him how he felt. He looked at me quietly for a moment and then said, "I feel great. You know, as I listened to all the guys discuss the Bible this morning, most everything went right over my head. Those guys have been Christians for so long and know so much. What I know is what happened tonight. This is real. I'm just a kindergarten Christian who doesn't know any better than to do what God says, and God told me through your message last Sunday that I was to do this."

It could be our Masters Degree pastors and Ph.D theologians in the Southern Baptist Convention could learn a great deal from Ronnie Que, a kindergarten Christian. What would happen if Southwestern had done something similar for Sheri Klouda? What if FBC Jacksonville were to do something similar for Tom Rich? What if the Missouri Baptists were to do something similar to Ronnie Cue?

It could be what hinders us from loving others is our own haughtiness and pride about what we know in terms of our doctrine, and a corresponding lack of listening to God speak to us through the simplicity of His commands.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God and everyone that loveth is born of God and knoweth God" (I John 4:7).

In His Grace,


Wade

Much Love, Dennis